Sunday, March 12, 2006

Wood On Sports Special: The Missing Barry Bonds Grand Jury Testimony

= Who knew flax seed oil shrunk your testes?

The San Francisco Chronicle this morning printed excerpts from the forthcoming book, Game of Shadows, including direct testimony from Barry Bonds during the grand jury trial of the founders of BALCO. Since Bonds was subpoenaed to testify and his agreement with officials precluded him from utilizing the fifth amendment, he created an elaborate explanation for how illicit drugs entered his system without his knowledge.
Below is some actual testimony from Bonds found in Game of Shadows. After each quotation from Barry is lost transcript items that were not included in the documents revealed to the SF Chronicle reporters. To protect my source of these "lost quotes", I will refer to him only as "Deep Throw".

Barry: I was fatigued, just needed recovery you know, and this guy says, 'Try this cream, try this cream.'

Barry's Follow Up: When Greg first approached me about the cream, I said, "What you talking about? I've got perfect skin." And then he explained it would be indetectable and help me to hit home runs. I ordered two cases on the spot.

Barry: And he rubbed some cream on my arm ... gave me some flax seed oil, man. It's like, 'Whatever, dude.'

Barry's Follow Up: And then I was like "Greg, stop giving me this flax seed oil. It isn't doing anything. Give me more of the damn cream though."

Barry: You know me, I'm 39 years old. I'm dealing with pain. All I want is the pain relief, you know? And you know, to recover, you know, night games to day games. That's it. And I didn't think the stuff worked.

Barry's Follow Up: I didn't think the stuff worked, because I knew the stuff worked. You think a 39 year old can go nine innings, head back to a hotel room for a tryst with my away-game mistress, sign some more memorabilia to pay off said mistress' house, and then wake up the next morning and bang two home runs? Helll no. That's why I was rubbing in the cream...I mean, arthritis cream.

Barry: I never asked Greg. When he said it was flax seed oil, I just said, 'Whatever.' It was in the ballpark ... in front of everybody. I mean, all the reporters, my teammates. I mean, they all saw it. I didn't hide it. I didn't hide it ...

Barry's Follow Up: I definitely didn't hide it. In fact, I shared it with Benito Santiago. As long as I was pretending it was flax seed oil, what was there to hide? Plus, my lawyers told me to do it in front of everyone. I was always shocked Mark McGwire wasn't shooting up over at first base, because that's the least likely place someone would suspect him to do it. No one would be like, "Hey, why does Mark have a syringe out at first base and why is he pinching his own ass?"

Barry: You know, trainers come up to me and say, 'Hey Barry, try this.'

Barry's Follow Up: And I always say "No way!" Unless it's steroids, then I say, "Yes, please" and "Can I have some more?"

Barry: I don't know what G is

Barry's Follow Up: And if it was "Growth", wouldn't that "G" on the calendar be followed by "rowth"? (raises eyebrow to Grand Jury)

Barry: I never paid Greg for anything. I gave Greg money for his training me

Barry's Follow Up: And I've never contradicted myself. OK, once I did, but that was a long time ago.

Barry: Greg is a good guy, you know this kid is a great kid. He has a child.

Barry's Follow Up: And everyone knows that if you have a child, you can't be guilty. (looks over at lawyers sheepishly) And I have children too (raised eyebrows to the Grand Jury again)

Barry: If it's a steroid, it's not working.

Barry's Follow Up: So if you guys would like to suggest some possible steroids that might work, please be my guest (takes out pencil and paper)

Barry: T could mean anything. G could mean anything. And pee could probably mean anything

Barry's Follow Up: I mean, he could have written "pee", but actually meant the letter "p". Maybe he was teaching his kid the alphabet on my flax seed oil intake calendar? Kids are in such a hurry these days, no need to learn the rest of the alphabet (crickets chirping)

Barry: One, I'm black. And I'm keeping my money. And there's not too many rich black people in this world. There's more wealthy Asian people and Caucasian and white. And I ain't giving my money up

Barry's Follow Up: And yes, I don't know that Causasian and white is the same thing. But back to my point...I'm not buying Greg Anderson a mansion...but if you vote not guilty, I'm not saying that you white and Asian jurors won't find a very nice check in your mailbox. And you black jurors will become instantly rich, and remember there aren't too many rich black people in this world.

Barry: I don't really believe half the s -- I'm saying, anyway.

Barry's Follow Up: But you fine jurors should believe 100% of the s-- I'm saying. I want to thank you all for your time, and let you know that your autographed BALCO t-shirts are in the mail. And don't forget, you too can look this ripped at 39 years of age solely by using flax seed oil and the occassional arthritis cream.

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